Amchi Mumbai??

When i first came to mumbai and was searching for jobs, I had met a senior who told me during a candid chat. "This city is a great place to work, but this is not a place to live". What he probably meant was that this city gives you an opportunity to show that you are unique and can stand out, but then it gives that opportunity to many others as well and as a result many people do stand out. He was heading a function in his organization, had earned himself an apartment and car over a decade and a half, but still he had to travel by local trains because he had to save time on travel. This place can't give you a comfortable life. At least for someone who is new around here and is looking to start from the scratch.
I didn't mind slogging as i came with nothing to loose and thus didn't think much of what he said, but over a period realized that the statement had an implication on the mindset that people have, which allows them to slog so hard. Sometime back our maid went on a leave and the next day she came and said that she couldn't come because "meri behen ka aadmi off ho gaya.". Though I understood that she was mentioning about someone's death, but the phrase she used was new for me. Today, when I look back, this phrase is what seems to define this city that never sleeps. The show just goes on and you exist as long as you are part of the show and once you are no longer part of the show, you don't seems to exist. You are a cog in the wheel that has a function to perform and when you no longer exist then then have been unplugged from the socket. The pie may be huge, but still not enough for everyone and thus you cant exist, you need to survive.
It is commonplace to hear everyone say "Aamchi Mumbai", which means my Mumbai, but what strikes me now-a-days is that "Yeh Sheher kisi ka nahin hai, par jo yahan aata hai woh isika ho ke reh jaata hai"(this city is of no one, but everyone who comes here, becomes a part of it). Though it may be true for many big cities, but may be it is the flavor of chaos that Indian life adds to it, which makes the experience unique.

Changes

It is always so easy to talk about the need for change. And no I don't talk about the change that is talked about in the classes of Organization Development or any other form of crappy management. I wanna talk about me, my daily life. Things that are there, they exist and sometimes they bother me and I feel that i should be changing them but I don't. I keep thinking that there will come a time when I will change it all. But always after bringing about the change I feel that there was no need to wait for so long before doing something.
During childhood, (which I believe is gone but still a lot of people think I act kiddish), time seemed to have a different dimension. I always used to think that there would be a proper time to do things and now all of a sudden I realize that 23 years have past I don't quite remember much of it and worse is the fact that I cant recall what all I did during these years. Except planning things maybe.
I now realize that change should never wait. It is the delay that brings in more complexity. I tend to delay other things because I will change something some day. I have over the past year or so taken big risks in landing up in really messy situations. But somehow I never suffered from any serious repercussions. Or maybe whatever happened was not too big for me. So why be afraid of mess. If change brings in a mess, at least it is worth sorting it out.
So no more waits. If I want to do something, I will do it now.

orkut crush list

Had a lot to study through out the day. as if that was not enough, had a lot of pondering to do with regard to the relationships between the people around me. that story comes later. Just to refresh myself I thought of surfing internet. out of bad habit, I ended up going to orkut. Now I dont know what happened and why it happened, I just went ahead and added a few friends on whom I had had a crush to my crush list. Just no reason, I don't know why. So I went ahead and added thenm to that list. when i went back to my gmail inbox, i was #6(&*! to find a mail from orkut, showing that one of them had also added me to their crush list. the sad part is that she is one with whom i had the least contact. I talk and keep in touch with many of the others in the group, but not much with her. not quite sure but maybe she is the GF of one of my really good friends (although not quite sure about that).
Whatever being the case, what crazy things keep happening in this life.

22 years of being worthless

My blog now knows that our relationship is also of formalities. Only when there is an occasion is it going to happen that junat will turn up and log in and write a post. Ok so what is the occasion today? Well, it is Tanuj's birthday today. Its been 22 years since a disaster happened on this third rock from the sun. As usual, today, I do something that I should have made a practice of doing on a regular basis. I introspect on the time gone by. what is it? 22 years of being worthless. I just don't know what I am doing? I know I have not achieved a thing. All I have is all I was given. All that I do is condole myself that there is a reason why i am here. I say to myself that I am here for some purpose. that I have a guiding star that will take me to some where I will have something significant to contribute. I has been so and every year on this day all I say to my self is that it will happen. I would never say that my life has been a waste. I have learnt a lot but never put all that I learned into use. I always learned but what i never learned was how to perform. my life never allowed me to be just another face in the crowd. I always had the option of being at the top but I always chose the bottom, giving reasons that required a lot of character which i always lacked. I was not only a day dreamer but a person who always refused to wake up. My di always made me realize that there was an important stage of my life at every point of time but I just never cared and I know I never will. So just forget me now as I never existed just as you would when I wouldn't.

My partner in crime

The last post was about my parents, and this one is about the lifeline of our family. My sibling, friend, guide or my second mother, my didi, my elder sister. It is great to have an elder sister. My friends say that it is great to have elder brothers. But from my experience I can say that it has been a pleasure having an elder sister. She is the most understanding person that I have ever met. I always idolized her and tried to be like her, just like all younger siblings do. But then she never really got frustrated but very smartly negotiated me. She had a very good way of handling me, she would get out the things out of me but then she had good control over the way I think and act. Just like all small siblings I wanted to be with her and observe her. But she smartly allowed me to be in midst her friends and made me realize that I didn’t have the same intellect as a her group of friends had and in a subtle manner made me realize that I couldn’t enjoy being there. Though there is something special that I always realized (which I don’t know how she does) that all her friends always pampered me. Many a times I felt that I am too young to her. There was occasions when I thought that she was alone needing someone who could understand her point of view. I always felt inadequate to instill her confidence in my ability to understand things. It was a lesson I learnt that kids can’t understand certain things. Every kid thinks that elders are for no reason underestimating their ability to understand. But I was always left feeling that I can’t understand things and so I am unable to do anything for her. But then she is such a fighter that she always comes out of anything on her own. So the smile on her face never perishes for long. The worst days of my life have always been when I in some way had hurt her feelings. I can hardly bear her being mad at me for any reason. Of course, there have been many a moments in life where she has put utmost trust in me and many a times I have shamelessly let her down in a big way. But then she has always been there as the rock to lean on, the pillar to support my dreams, the window that always opens to the beautiful world outside, the couch that always gives me comfort. All in all she is the house that shelters me from all the rains, storms, tornados, tsunamis and what not…

Many a times I feel bad for being such a bugger. I always feel so fortunate to know such a person, let alone the fact that she cares so much for me.

Just like old wine our relationship kept on becoming better with time. The last year has been the most special one. In the last one year this relationship developed into a two way affair. I realized that I too could stand up for her. I saw her putting more trust in my understanding of things; I could observe her from closer quarters. I better understand what she desires and how I can be part of the fulfillment of her dreams.

I can’t ever imagine not being there when she wants me to be there. I don’t have a great deal of really close friends because I have a part of me always dedicated to her. I might also blame her for me not having a girlfriend, because looking at her I know what a woman with substance is and so I got caught in a vicious circle wherein I set the bar at a very high level and then always found myself inadequate to match someone of that level.

It was a great period for me when I was living with her in her home. I always wanted to spend loads of time with her and I did it during that period. Though she was very busy but still it was great fun never the less. Frankly for her younger sibling it was a dream come true that there was a great deal of understanding that was developing. Apart from she taking care of me, there was something that I felt I could do for her.

I don’t know when I will be meeting her next, but I just hope that I can be with her whenever she feels the need for someone. Another irony, I was always there with her when I knew I couldn’t do anything, and I now wouldn’t be there when I know I can do something for her.

My folks

All my life (past couple of years to be precise) I have been looking to get out of my home. Student life had become very boring. More so staying with my parents was becoming monotonous. I had always had the problem of not being able to gain trust of my parents for the plain and simple reason that I didn’t have to much to do to prove myself. And there were not many avenues for me show them that I had become mature and could care for myself. So there had always been a want of liberation. I didn’t like that other’s life (my parents) is revolving around me. I am just too small a being to call for such resources. So I finally am moving out to study and it is a great feeling. The final few days were a little awkward though. No matter how logically correct it might be it feels a bit difficult to leave my parents alone and move out. I now understand how hard it would have been for my sister when she did the same quite some time ago. There were other things like self confidence and other personal emotions that generally get importance. But this is an aspect that is hitting me the most. The lives of our parents have always revolved around us. Even if it was something like watching movies or going shopping or eat out, it was more for our pleasure than theirs. Now with my sister already out and me leaving the city and going out on my way, what will really give them a reason to go to places and take the pleasures of life. This thing kept bothering me for a long time and finally had a talk about this with my mother. She said that the fact that we were happy is what gave them happiness. And I asked what about the time when we would go out to leave our lives. Well that is the way life is what she says. That is the cycle of life. Well I beg to differ. There are so many elderly people out there who like taking pleasures of what the new world has to offer. So why is there is just a sense of responsibility in every action of theirs. They are responsible to keep us happy and so they just think about us. She says that they too enjoy the outings that they have with us. Then why it is only my places of my choice that we go. Why we eat what I like. Doesn’t it seem to be like they are doing these things because they want me to feel happy and they just go about it as a responsibility? This thing stuck to me when even I saw that when I visited my sister and she too had developed such a psyche. I have been pampered all my life by my parents, my sister, friends of my sister, my cousins, my teachers, my uncle & aunts etc. the list just goes on and on and may include almost 95% of people I have met on this planet. What I find so interesting is that I have been a person who doesn’t want to bother others in any manner. So I constantly observe other people doing things for me and keep wishing that they didn’t take all that trouble. But unfortunately I keep finding people doing that. And so naturally I want my parents to look after their own life and start enjoying because they want to, instead of taking joy in my well being. It is such an irony again that I generally don’t find myself being happy in material things. Not many are able to please with a gift that they bring for me. It is generally taken as a formality by me. I haven’t ever learned how to enjoy eating in a restaurant or roaming about a new mall that opens up in a city. So I am a perfect mismatch for the caring nature of my parents. I always feel that they could have contributed a lot to the society by their services than they devoted in bringing up a useless fellow like me. Now I am annoyed by the fact that they will keep thinking about me wherever I go. And I know that this is going to happen because I have seen that how they always keep thinking about my sister since she moved out. I don’t know how she thinks and for some strange reason I can’t ever say a thing to her about this feeling I have. Ours being a very close family it feels really strange as this day comes. Just a family of four that needs three different places to stay. Laugh on Tanuj… If you don’t laugh on the ways of life then you didn’t get the joke.

Boyz dont cry

Becoming a mature person has got a hell lot to do with controlling emotions. As i grew up i always had one thing in my mind and that was to express emotions that people who care would like to see. So this meant that try and smile, never show that any thing is disturbing me. I always tried to hide emotions because the concern from my family always went more than i could handle. I couldn't show that i was bothered by something, because the attention that i received after that was more of a bother. This might be considered to be a temporary phase when one tries to control emotions but it has a lasting effect over a period of time. once we try to control emotions we start losing the spontaneity of our expression. I realize that i decided not to cry. No matter what happens I never shed a tear. I took pride in this practice for a long period of time. A common notion that boys don't cry. of course, I was happy to follow it. Then things started becoming more and more complex. There are certain things that one can say and express and there is para-language that accompanies our words. but slowly and slowly as we try to suppress our emotions we start loosing this god gifted coordination. Thus trying to show a different emotion as to what really is, becomes more and more difficult. Even worse is the fact that once we stop showing emotions, they dont come out naturally. many a times i feel that i am not reacting to any situation. There is a kind of numbness. The situations dont stimulate any emotions. I laugh because I think that it is natural to laugh in a certain situation. I am angered because I think I should be angry in a certain situation, I am sad just because anyone would be sad in any given situation. This is a very complex situation.
I think it all started with some silly notions and was stimulated by some anxieties created by fears that i have since my childhood. this is what i recently read in a magazine article that fears cause mood fluctuations and other clomplexities.i am trying to get out of this mould. let me tell this to all those who read that i have learned it the hard way but i would like to tell you that it doesnt matter that you show your emotions to others. if it is supposed to be shown , show it. sometimes it takes courage to even show your emotions without any fear.

Hello people

Well don't be scared if you are feeling like you have dialed a wrong number. You are at the blog which used to be called:

paddy world

the mind of an individual looking for an opening in this lost world

When I started this blog I was feeling that there were some thoughts in my head that I wanted to let out. Since not many (in fact none) cared to listen to them I thought that I would pen them(or actually type them) down here.
Looking back to that time I feel that I was in search of an identity of my own. There was a growing fear of getting lost in the crowd. Mr.Tanuj Poddar became Paddy and wanted to live in a world that he would call Paddy world where he could speak whatever he wanted. Thanks to the genes passed on by my mother I was inquisitive and analytical about things and thus my adolescent's daydreaming gave way to dissection of every thing that came in my life. There was an urge to find people to listen my thoughts. I thought that it was unnecessary to try explain things to people who didn't match my way of thinking. There was a burst of confidence and I felt that I was liked by everyone in the way i presented myself. For those who didn't like they could go to hell. There was a touch of arrogance that gave a good feeling. The reins of my life in my hands. I thought about everything I did and thought of those connected to me before doing something and thus there was no reason for me going wrong. But this kinda attitude was vulnerable against failure and that is what happened. In trying to take the failure in the stride the mindset moved to being passive instead of assertive. The ability to incorporate other's view to my logic was lost. Life kept moving statically. I started accepting what was being told when i couldn't understand something. Somethings seemed impossible to understand because i forgot how to give time to understand. Everything had to happen instantly. I started feeling odd in the presence of peers. I couldn't adapt myself to their thought process. On the practical front I was moving nowhere. There was nothing that was added to my commercial aspect of life. What all gave me a youthful burst was forgotten , which included this blog. I seemed to have hit mid-life crisis too early or maybe it would have been my midlife had I not realized that something was going wrong. There was a lot of things that were going haywire . Priorities were not set and self confidence was gone once it found itself wanting for self-esteem. There was a structure without an infrastructure. Renovation wouldn't do , a through rebuilding process had to take place. Thus first the existing structure had to be brought down to rubbles. Along with that a proper blue print had to be built. The voice that had become a noise for others needed to be modulated to a frequency that could be decoded by the receptors. A self-analysis was needed. The new ideas that were gathered had to be implemented. the destruction process continued at the back-end.
People had to be given importance. A scientific approach was required . Thus experiments needed to be conducted and hypothesis was to be tested. So now i start a new chapter of life where i experiment with life to explore it to the core. Thus this changes my blog to

My Experiments With Life

Life and truth are two sides of the same coin.

2 decades

Hey today I have completed two decades in the third rock from the sun and in this world where people love those who mature beyond their years , I have had a rocking time being idiotic , erratic and kiddish to say the least , and have not been seriously been hated for it ....
Just looking back at those years I think I have not been of any worth to this world but there are a lot of things that I have learned . I have learned about life , yes no matter what I have studied I have always been a desciple of life . Life has taught me lots of things and I have been able to develop myself as an individual . The first thing I learnt was that individuality can be maintained without being stubborn and a pain in the neck for others . we may have our views of life but there is no reason for us to believe that it is perfect . we need to keep changing that is what makes life worth living ... next comes the fact that we all have our own philosophy of life and everyone act in a manner that suits best to his way of thinking ... also no one is born with all the knowledge , everyone shapes their mind in this world depending on the situations and influences they face in life ... so no one is supposed to be hated for the way they think coz it is the people who are around them who have made him like this ... moreover there is nothing such as prestige ... ego exists in this world in the name of prestige ... one feels insulted when his prestige is hurt and thus gives an opening for ego to creep in ... there is no harm in saying sorry or getting slapped in front of a huge audience if you are wrong .... and so if you are right and are standing by the truth ... i have spent a lot of time pondering over many a teachings in life and to my utter surprise everytime the basis of every lesson was one five letter word TRUTH . it is the biggest fact of life ... infact life is nothing but like a eucledian space representing coordinate points which are the different versions of truth that we come across in our lives ... sticking to it makes sense ... trust me on that point...
furthermore i have sensed that relationships are something that make life complex , so stay away from them as far as possible . there are some we arte born with so we should cautiously handle them but be very selective in the others that we form as we move ahead in life ... i dont say that i dont interact with people , yes i do but still i try to be smart enough to not to be attached to them ....
i will always try and make an effort to be creative and be an individual ... i realise the importance of being true to myself and thus i dont need to show the world that i am individual but i need to be sure myself about the same...
i look to spend the coming decades in a more responsible manner and hope to apply what i have learned till now and be open to newer ideas ...
chao

let them go by

Dosent it sometimes happen that we actually make a meaningless effort to feel happy and make others feel the same...

i had changed my school after my senior secondary exams to complete my higher secondary ... back then i dont know what was going on in my mind that i didnt quite make an effort to keep in touch with my batchmates , or i felt that they didnt had any intrest either ... I was lucky to have come across a great bunch of people in my new school . so there was no reason more so ever to think about them ... we had great fun in the school , just rocked the whole school with our mischevious brains ... i personally felt it was the best time of my life ... man, thinking of the last day of school still brings tears to my eyes ... we had bonded so much that it was hard to believe that it all had to end ... after that we parted in our ways and most of the folks got into some engg. college across the country ... well i didnt quite get a happening batch in college ... everything seemed quite boring ... so i thought that how great it would get back togeather and just revive ourselves of the spirit to have fun that we had ... with the help of a couple of people of the batch we got a get2 geather happening . it was grest to see everyone togeather again. everyone described how their year had gone and what kinda life they are living ... ihad opened a yahoo group and asked everyone to join it and we had some of our group photos uploaded . sometimes someone informed about the fest and stuuf going on in their colleges ... then we all joined orkut and thought we could better interact there ... but basically all we do is keep scrapping some crap and the same old questions "how are you???" and "hey wazzup?" ... and as usual the answer is the same ....'
open the mail box and find yourself a hundred mails from your friends but those too are some crap forwards... for gods sake how much can you sit in the front of the pc and get amused from them , and do i need friends for these mails , no i can get them by joining some sick group that can fill up your 2GB email space within a week ....
but still people keep sending them because they feel like it is a way to keep in touch..
i made a few email pals and teh same thing happened with them too....
i was quite puzzled about what to do and then suddenly today i got from a friend of my earlier school ... never calle for three good years and i was surprised to hear from him .. he said he was flying out of the country and getting settled in uk .... so he thought of just contacting me once and tell me just in case i was ever willing to contact him . and i realise today tha what is the importance of human contact... the best way to preserve a relation is not to try and make effort to maintain it but let it take its due course and preserve the care on which it is based ...
just let them go by instead of making an abortive effort to keep in touch always ... there is a wireless connection that bounds us always so need never worry about losing touch ... just make a call when you remember of someone....

chnage of season

well change of seasons is something that is considered to be a slow and continual process , but sometimes it happens to just surprise us. just 5 days back is suddenly woke up to find that as soon as i opened the door of my room cold air just rushed into my room , but it couldnt have been winter it is just the first week of november and diwali had just passed . but then in this fast changing world nothing remains as it is. ok i shud not be gettng into that . well right now in the city of joy it is getting quite chilly . yeah everyone after the festive season is just chilled out. well as in most of the tropic countries the winters are very much awaited . but for me i dunno it is ok special but i dunno y it is so and what happens to me during these months. like i dunno but i seem to be living in my own world and there is a kindof emotional upsurge while anything i do , it is one time of the year when i just feel like listening to all those ballads of the yesteryears , and all those faces come before my eye upon home i had felt that i had a crush on. and i dunno but i seem to be lost . i dont feel like sleeping in the night and dont wanna wake up in the morning . and then there are times when all of a sudden i dont feel like talking to anyone even when everyone wants my company . and then again there r time time i wish i could talk to someone , i dunno about what, when i si alone. winters always puzzle my brain up . i wanna ask someone y??

i am really moody

oh yeah now i look at the last post and laugh .. what crap had i written.
realy sometimes its amusing to be as moody as i am.
it allows me to enjoys a whole lot of my emotions.
well ofcourse the now i feel good about the fact that i am effected by the changes in nature. atleast i feel i am related to nature , otherwise people are just too much into the artificial world to feel them connected to the nature....
well had a decent day yesterday just freaking out....
went to college and attended just the on class of statistics.
the rest of the time was spent in the common(recreation) room playing TT or carrom. then i decided to venture a bit into the blog world , reading what others were thinking around the world...
after that reached home relaxed listened to a bit of music...
then studied for 5 long hours and for a change it was refreshing rather than being tiring.
then watched some really good tennis , the wimbledon semifinals between venus and sharapova and well it seems venus has come back hard to be reckoned as a contender for the grand slam. really impressed by the way in which she played , showing lot of maturity and tolerance. guess that is what a few failures can do for you. may be sister serena could take a leaf out of venus's book. well for the second semis between mauresmo and davenport was a much more tighter match which displayed the level of tennis that the top notch of the women pros play now a days . i think amelie played amazingly well but was a touch temeramental to be in the position in which she is now. well also davenport showed why she is the first seed by the strong comeback she made in the match. and well just the nature too intervined to maintain the curiosity a little longer. so lets see that sums upo the yesterday for me.
so wat for today .
well for the first time i am going for a movie first day first show and undoubtedly that movie deserves my attention...
ofcourse "sarkar"
a movie directed by rgv, nvr missed his flicks.
stars my fav. actor mr AB snr
and that too in a larger than life role
so yes folks i am off to watch the movie.
be sure the next post will be the review of the movie....

i speak from my heart

now i have a thesis to prove that i speak from my heart

now my blood runs through my heart
therefore my heart is supplying blood to my brain.
using this blood my brain works
thus it generates some thoughts
it then transferes these thoughts to my tounge
my tounge then speaks it out to other people
listening to my talks people say that my thoughts are negative
they say "why do u have to be negative in ur thoughts?"
and now i say "becoz my heart supplys B-NEGATIVE blood to my brain."
so that way i can justify that what i speak comes right from my heart after being processed from my brain ofcourse , becoz u c u all can't understand me till i don't speak and write. infact i wonder if u even understand me after i do.....

mito - chondria

well mitochondria
this word suddenly hit my mind this morning
i spelt it quite a few times and then i remembered that i had learnt this word in biology during my secondary education
well but i can not recall what it means
this just show that i had learnt this word just becoz i had to at that time
but now it has no meaning to me now.
just like it happens to many thing in our lives
we do many things becoz we are required to do but forget about it when time is gone
just as if it were a mere formality for living life
but thats not what it is
living life is not about formality
every thing that we do adds some meaning to our life.
if we understand what it means to our life then we understand our life better
may be some guy did such and such thing and became successful
but it is not necessary that i should follow what that guy did
realising ur own life will help u carve out a path for yourself
the structure of path of life is very a very complex function of some very intricate variables of our life.
these variables never come to our consideration
we need to find the value of every part of our lives to know what we want
where we want to land up
yeah every one has a common aim ---- "to be successful"
but the success has a different meaning to everyone .
like may be there are two guys who want to excel in the same field
they want to reach a certain level of excellence where every one calls them the best
but the words "you are the best" might evoke a similar feeling in their mind but the feeling is never going to be the exactly same.
coz they know that they had to go thru different conditions
one passed a certain with ease but for the the same looked a daunting task
so that is the need to realise your life
take ur life ur own way remember that i am an individual with a mind similar to none
may be there is somethin g others can do that i cant but there are also things that i can do better than others
so do what you feel like doing
others are not to say how u live ur life.

nothing is what it seems

College has been a wild ride so far. I've learned a lot about myself and the world, and it's been both exciting and confusing. One thing's for sure: things aren't always as they seem.

I mean, at first, I thought nailing every test and landing the coolest internships was the only way to win at college. But, honestly, everyone's struggling with something. It's easy to compare yourself to others on social media and feel like you're falling behind. But those perfect pictures? They don't tell the whole story.

I've also realized that my career path isn't a straight line. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to do, but now I'm exploring different options. It's kind of scary, but also exciting to see where life takes me.

And let's talk about time. It feels like there's never enough of it! I keep putting things off, thinking I have forever. But then deadlines creep up on me, and I'm scrambling to finish everything. I need to get better at managing my time, for sure.

Honestly, figuring out who I am has been a rollercoaster. Some days I feel confident and sure of myself, and other days I'm totally lost. It's like my identity is still a work in progress.

The craziest part is realizing that I can't control everything. Plans change, unexpected things happen, and it's easy to get frustrated. But I'm trying to roll with the punches and be more flexible.

I guess the point is, college is full of ups and downs. It's okay to feel confused or lost sometimes. The important thing is to keep learning and growing. I'm excited to see what the future holds!